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by Carrie Lynn Barker
Description: Guy Fractious may be a dork, but he's not dumb enough to pass up a chance for an adventure, even if his sidekick is a little fellow in a green top hat who insists he is NOT a leprechaun. He agrees to save the kingdom of Tuatha Dé by killing a wizard nobody likes, but first--of course--he has to pass through a series of trials to test his strength. These include a moon-walking dragon, a village with aphrodisiacal water, and a herd of satyrs who worship a willowy character in pink spandex. Along the way he meets a lovely not-quite-maiden (what else?) and acquires a new friend, Bob, who is smarter than the average horse, even if he doesn't talk. Will Guy complete his quest? Will he conquer the dragon, win the girl, slay the wizard, and earn his reward, which is a house with a butler in Beverly Hills? Are you kidding? That dork?
eBook Publisher: Uncial Press, 2010
Wildside Press eBook Store Release Date: August 2010
Available eBook Formats [MultiFormat - What's this?]: eReader (PDB) [221 KB], ePub (EPUB) [235 KB], Rocket/REB1100 (RB) [183 KB], Portable Document Format (PDF) [693 KB], Palm Doc (PDB) [204 KB], Microsoft Reader (LIT) [214 KB], Franklin eBookMan (FUB) [229 KB], hiebook (KML) [513 KB], Sony Reader (LRF) [270 KB], iSilo (PDB) [167 KB], Mobipocket (PRC) [214 KB], Kindle Compatible (MOBI) [275 KB], OEBFF Format (IMP) [284 KB]
Reading time: 192-269 min.
Microsoft Reader (LIT) Format: Printing DISABLED, Read-Aloud ENABLED
Portable Document Format (PDF) Format: Printing DISABLED, Read-Aloud ENABLED
All Other formats: Printing DISABLED, Read-aloud DISABLED
"If you could take Shrek, Alice in Wonderland, and the creepy little people from the Wizard of Oz, throw them in a blender and whip them up, you would have a close approximation for the plotline to this story. Guy is very much your atypical hero, and his sidekick is a real kick in the pants. There is a good bit of humor throughout ...a light, entertaining read if you are not looking for deep introspection, and just want to have a fun time.3 Cups!"--Loloty, Coffee time Romance and More
"What are you so afraid of?" Crista said.
"Who said I was afraid?" I answered, acting tough and puffing out my measly chest, which deflated a moment later.
"Bob did," Crista said, pointing at the horse.
Bob shrugged his shoulders and suddenly became interested in an interesting patch of green grass.
"Well, the old woman I met said there were things in the woods that would eat us," I said. "Possibly slowly."
"That sounds unpleasant," Crista said. "But you have your sword."
"Yes," I said. "But that's what got me in trouble on the road."
"That's because you weren't paying attention," Cu said to me as he came into our vague camp with an armload of fire wood. He set about clearing brush and making a teepee out of the wood. "Fire'll keep the critters away."
"Ew, I hate critters," Crista said, shivering.
"You can sleep next to me," Cu offered, licking his lips in a less than sensual manner, which made Crista shiver even more.
"That's okay," she said. "I'll take my chances."
"Hey, Fractious!" Cu called out to me. "Make yourself useful and help me get this fire going. I got me a brace of pigeons to roast up."
"Won't that attract the critters?" I knelt beside him and banged two rocks together to make sparks. "And what's a brace?"
"Eh," Cu said with a typical shrug, unwilling as always to answer what he considered to be my stupid questions.
"Well, I don't want to be eaten," I said, drawing the sword from behind my back. "I'm sleeping with this under my pillow tonight."
"You don't have a pillow," Cu reminded me.
"Oh... Yeah. Right."
We got the fire going and spitted Cu's two pigeons, which apparently made a brace, even though I wasn't sure if that was only true of pigeons or if you could have a brace of other things. They made a measly meal but at least we all ate a little. Cu even let me have some, stating we were out of bread and he hadn't thought to buy any in Tara. I knew he was lying when he pulled out a half loaf of bread and began munching on it.
"That's bread," I said. "You said we didn't have any more bread."
Cu looked down at the obvious loaf of bread. "This isn't bread," he told me. "It's... salami."
I smiled, somewhat delighted. "Whatever."
Cu only continued to eat his bread, breaking off a piece to pass off to Crista when she asked for some salami. Later that night, as the fire continued to roar, we sat around in companionable silence, listening to the rustling in the woods around us. Crista moved closer to me, and so did Bob the horse. The ponies shuffled closer to Cu, probably finding comfort in someone more their size. The rustling grew more and more intense then suddenly the fire went out in a whoosh!
I heard noises as I got to my feet, swinging my sword carefully lest I lop off the wrong heads but my valiant efforts didn't last long. I heard Cu cussing up a storm then a loud thump then a thump like something landing hard on the ground. I heard Crista give a tight scream then another thump. Then I heard a thump and felt a thump on the top of my head.